Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Decisions Decisions.

Today, I am deciding if I should cancel my oncology appointment for Friday (3 days away). I am leaving for San Diego on the 15th of July, and am thinking that any possible bad news at the oncologists office could make my trip not so fun. We are most likely moving to the San Diego area in the next year and I need to look around and see what is what before making the decision. On my last visit, the oncologist told me I was good for 4 months. That would be the end of July. Only...their books only went out to the end of June,  so I took that one. I really just want to cancel until the end of July.

However, in the past two weeks, I have developed a pretty severe case of what seems to be TMD. My jaw hurts. But...its sort of a mysterious hurt that moves around the right side of my face. Its focal at my jaw joint, but hurts up above my eye, in my cheek, even inside my right nostril. The dentist said that there wasn't anything wrong with my teeth, so I made an appointment with an Ear Nose and Throat doctor. That appointment is on Saturday. The pain has been here about 3 weeks now, but the first 10 days were the worst. It has gotten much better and is only a mild annoyance now. The strange thing is, it hurts when I take a deep breath... who knows. That is why you go to physicians I guess. So they can give you a good going over and then tell you that they don't know either....thank you so much that will be a thousand dollars.

Speaking of dollars. I owe my oncologist 550 of them. They said I need to pay up before July 1st. Gah. I am tired of this. Only I can't be. Because what is the other option?

Here is my concern: If the pain in my face is not TMD, but is actually something to do with CLL (for instance, hidden lymph nodes in my face or neck causing the pain), then that could mean a change in disease status and my oncologist should know about it.

I really just get so exhausted at the thought of going in to the oncologist. Its like a test. Did I pass? Did I fail? Have I eaten enough of the right things? Have I taken all my supplements? Have I exercised enough? Did my diet changes work? Will I get another 3 month reprieve ...or will I be looking at treatment.

It's all real and scary. I would like very much not to go through the "test" every three months.

For now, I am going to take a nap. My cat woke me up at 5 am because he was afraid of the thunder. He is a huge, 12 year old cat. At the first sound of thunder, he runs crying down the hallway and begs at my bedroom door to come in. I felt awful, because I told him to go back to bed. He cried for about 3-5 minutes then gave up. (I knew if I let him in this once, he would beg every night to come in and sleep on my bed). I never did fall completely back asleep, the thunder and lightning and hail were impressive. When I got up this morning at 7 am, he was hiding behind the couch. Poor puddy tat. I guess we all have fears.

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