Freaking Out and Being Calm

Tomorrow I visit the oncologists office again. I am going to be receiving the results of my FISH test. Fish. Really wishing this test was to determine which species of fish would be most suited for me as a pet. Or, to measure just how well I can perform fish lips. Or even a test to determine how many bass I can catch in the period of 30 minutes. The particular FISH test that used up 7 vials of my blood two weeks ago, will provide puzzle pieces in the particular brand of CLL that I have. In Chronic Leukemia, there are genetic markers that can help determine the aggressiveness of the leukemia. Part of me does not want to know. Part of me wants to believe with everything in my heart, soul, and mind, that the leukemia that I have is smoldering, or indolent as they call it. The truth is, that 1/3 of the people with CLL have a very poor prognosis. 1/3 has middle of the road prognosis. And 1/3 has a long slow prognosis. 
What I have learned about this so far, is that even if I am in the poor prognosis category, it doesn't set in stone how things will play out. There have been plenty of people with the bad markers that have gone years and years without needing treatment. There have been plenty of people with the "good" markers that needed treatment within the first year of diagnosis. 


So I am praying. Praying of course that I have the good markers, because like a beautiful placebo, my mind can latch onto that. But I am also praying that I do not put much stock into the results no matter what they are.


I will also be getting checked for this persistent tickle in my throat, and a suspicious looking new mole. Something I have come to understand is that people with CLL are at a much higher risk for secondary cancers. Especially melanoma and lung cancers. I would say that I developed the mole and the cough just because I knew about the increased risk. I would love to say that. The truth is, I saw the mole the day I was diagnosed in the ER (no previous history of any knowledge of CLL), and the cough developed 3 days later, when I had not yet stumbled across the lovely information of the increased risk.


I am just breathing. I have made a deal with myself. No freaking on any of this until after my appointment. Every time I start to worry, I hold my hand up in my mind and say "bah bah bah...nope! Not till Monday afternoon." And my mind listens to me and remembers to smile and laugh and have fun.


Love and light and blessings and peace to all of you!