Saturday, June 2, 2012

Watch and Wait Girl: I guess that is me.

Watch and Wait. Its my new thing. I have Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia, stage 0. I am to watch for change in symptoms...wait for it to happen, and then start treatment.
Anyone who knows me knows I am not a watch and wait type of girl.
So like I mentioned before. I am juicing, reading, moving my body, meditating, praying, taking yoga. I am going to be in control of as much as I can...cause thats the way I roll.

Even before this diagnosis, I have been asking God a lot of questions. I have tried again and again to wrap my mind around a loving God who could allow someone to be tormented forever in hell. Nope. Can't. If God is love, and God is surely love, then hell is not hell. I know, I know. A hundred different theologians will tell me different. They will talk to me about free-will. Listen. I am imperfect right? I am a messed up human being. There is not one soul. Not one person. Not even Hitler, or Stalin ...or George Bush :0, that I would ever, ever, ever want to suffer for eternity.

Because this is the thing. We are all broken. We are all trying to pick up pieces and live this life and do the best that we can. We are Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Atheist. We are people. And we are trying.

I think that people become comfy in their little paradigms, because....because its a scary place out there. And 4 firm walls of belief that you are right, can take the edge off.

All I know is this. Every time I question, every time I ask, every time I look, every time I seek, every time that I connect with my heart to God, he lets me out of the box I am currently in. I peak my head out at first, I look around all amazed and terrified, and then I climb out and I stand in the bright illumination of what is in front of me. A whole new way of thinking that I never realized existed before. And I start to get comfortable there. I start hanging my paintings and rearranging the furniture. And just as I am about to settle down, I realize that the thing I just hung the painting on is a wall...which means there is something on the other side. So I peak my head above the side again to find I am in another BOX! And I climb out, all freaked and amazed like before. One of these times I am going to realize that the boxes do not end. Its a journey. An endless amazing, beautiful, scary, messy progression. I think I am getting that now.

For the moment. I am much more solid than before the oncologists appointment. My feet are firmly planted on the earth that I love so very much, and my mind is exploring the depths of what it means to be human. What an amazing life this is.

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